The Rules of Kindergarden
My mother always says when my siblings and I roughhouse, "What's the first rule of kindergarden?"
Acording to her, it is, "Keep your hands to yourself." Right, that's the first. Actually, it's
#7635 or something like that. Here's the real list.
The Real Rules of Kindergarden
1. Do not, I repeat, do NOT eat the clay, no matter how yummy it looks.
2. Don't stuff marbles up your nose. You will regret it when the teacher has to stick her finger up your nose.
3. Don't stuff marbles up the other kids' noses, especially that big one who was held back twice.
4. Don't hit yourself over the head with wooden blocks. You'll be out cold for snack time, and no one wants to miss crackers and juice, right?
5. If you really do have to wear glasses in kindergarten, and if they really do break (which they will), don't fix them with masking tape. You'll be branded as a geek before you knew that word existed or what it meant.
6. Don't try to eat the wooden blocks, because the next time you play with them, they'll be all gross and soggy and weird.
7. Don't try to eat the class hamster, because the teacher will want to know why the hamster is soggy and smells like apple juice.
8. Don't play pranks on the nice teacher, because it will go on your perman-what? How'd this get in here? MOM! What I mean to say is, if you're going to play pranks on your teacher, plan it at least a day in advance, kiddo.
9. Don't listen to your older sister's CDs, because when you go into class the next day and you're singing Oops!…I Did It Again, all the other kids will start singing it, and they'll be singing it when they go home, and pretty soon you'll be in trouble with your parents and your older sister.
10. Don't try to read first-grade books, because if there's the word 'ship', it might just come out as a not-nice word…and can you say, 'Trouble with a capital 't''?
11. Don't hog all the crackers, because soon you'll get sick and throw up, but the other kids won't want to eat that, no sir.
12. I will say this only once more: please, for the love of Mike, don't eat the clay!
13. If your teacher, or anyone else, for that matter, says something like, 'For the love of Mike!' don't keep asking who Mike is. They don't know. I don't know. Mike doesn't even know, okay?
14. If you happen to actually swallow your class's pet hamster, try to regurgitate. If that actually works, the hamster will be kind of gross and really soggy, but you'll still have a class hamster. If it doesn't work, I hope you enjoyed your first hamster dinner!
15. This is a rule, like all the rest, that really does apply later in life. There are actually two parts to this rule, so listen closely. If your mother happens to be pregnant, don't ask Daddy, at least within earshot of Mommy, 'Why is Mommy fat?' Also, keep in mind, people really don't want to be asked where babies come from.
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